The Corktown Inn (1331 Trumbull) is a fine hotel, or so they would have you believe. And compared to The University Motel, where we stayed the night before, this is a true statement. It’s clean, it has hot water, and the concierge gives you a key so you can go in and out as you please.
You also have an entire 10 minutes to determine that your room is shit. Now, of course, we at MurderMotels are never allowed to leave the motel until the night is over for any reason whatsoever, even if we have to wrap everything in plastic or are very, very afraid. Ten minutes was ample time for us to take the elevator (which occasionally stopped between floors and didn’t open entirely) to our room, run down this spooky hallway…
And determine that our room had no heat. But not to fear: we were able to run downstairs in time enough to learn that all you had to do was tell them what room you were in and they would magically activate the heat. Great. Nap time. But the amenities did not end there! Other luxuries offered at the Corktown Inn include:
These mini-bags of cocaine, shoved in a small Spanish magazine in the nightstand drawer. If this place weren’t classy, this would be crack.
This television station that shows you your car has not been broken into while playing top 40 tracks. I heard Timbaland and my Impala was okay.
This vending machine that sells (unused) underwear, condoms and toiletries. Unfortunately, the lacy, red thong I eyed at check-in was gone by the time we checked out. Other things for sale at this hotel: various frozen food items kept in large fridge behind check-in, bubble bath, floor lamps.
Another thing to appreciate about this hotel is the staff’s high level of honesty. When our friends Doug and Christina arrived for the evening, we determined we’d take a cab downtown. Christina asked the concierge which service she recommended. “None. They are all terrible, and none of them are fast.” This is true. We waited for an hour before we finally drove ourselves.
While Detroit is the American city that hustles the hardest, MM will be taking a trip down South this December. Look for posts from St. Louis, Memphis, New Orleans and more. Please feel free to submit tips. If the Twitter/Instagram feed goes silent, please call for help.
(Here is a bonus photo of a man karaoke-ing”Lady in Red” at Bert’s in the Eastern Market. At 11 a.m.)