3221 Plainfield Ave NE
Grand Rapids, MI 49525
According to my extensive Internet research, the Knight’s Inn is not just a large, somewhat rundown hotel on the sketchy side of Plainfield Avenue, but rather a place where couples meet, greet and more. We were told one of these types of parties might be happening this very evening, so we decided to see if we could crash and dash.
We checked into Knight’s Inn, formerly known as The Grand Inn, around 8 p.m., only to see there were hardly any cars in the lot. TripAdvisor had warned us of “sex offender BBQs” and the hotel had an interesting selection of tags when Googled.
Well, as per usual, we learned that the folks on TripAdvisor were a bunch of goddamned whiners. The Knight’s Inn is a very acceptable, cheap motel for the weary traveler, and it’s got a Taco Bell in its front yard. What do these monocle-wearing 1%-ers expect for less than $60 a night?
Given that the hotel was seemingly guarded by one lone concierge and what was perhaps his daughter using the hotel computer next to a very large television playing cinema classic “Face-Off,” we decided to do a bit of a wander. Here’s what we found!:
A fully-stocked vending machine in that it offers the only things you’ll really need. Pork rinds and old candy bars. This is located in the Knight’s Inn’s fitness center, although the sign outside says it is an “Arcade.”
The fitness center contains a vintage treadmill, two stupid machines that will only increase your heartrate if your job is to lie in bed all day and a step for you to do aerobics by yourself. Here, Shawn demonstrates one.
“Ugh, moving by body with absolutely no resistance is so hard,” I am not saying.
Here is a surprisingly nice pool area. The pool is heated and there were no bodies in it. The only thing floating were small specks of dust. It is, however, creepy to go to a hotel pool and find it completely silent and empty. Do you remember that scene in “Let the Right One In?” … I do.
Much like all good Starship Enterprises, all good, rundown motels need an Engineering Bay.
Tiring of the hotel, Shawn and I decided it was time to explore the charming neighborhood beyond its premises. First up, we hit the Charlie’s Bar and Grille down the street. A bit strange with its neon bar and clientele of people over 65, the bar was pretty pleasant and the food was not terrible. The radio station they chose was extremely manic. I recorded the playlist during our dinner to include Next, George Thoroughgood, Will Smith, The Contours, Bryan Adams, Afrojack, Elvis Presley, The Black Eyed Peas. In that order. We ordered the Shrimp Bake, which came with individual cracker packets.
I’m glad we chose this over the Scooby Snacks, which consisted of fried olive balls.
Leaving Charlie’s, we had no choice but to stop by the adult novelty store nearby, Cirilla’s, where Shawn refused to buy an elephant trunk thong. I found a lot of interesting things at the store that I will now share with you. It is at this point that if you are at work, you should stop and go past the photos very quickly unless you want your children to starve, you fucking pervert.
Ever feel like you want to be slutty for just one night, but not forever? Or maybe you want to be a slut every day, but you don’t want to be pigeon holed. Well, ladies (and gentlemen), this is the answer for you! Temporary “sexy lower back tattoos!”
Do you see how it says FORTY?! That’s as many days of looking like a whore as God rained down on sinners, except that God can SUCK IT, because these are waterproof. Please note that the second from the right reads, “Cock candy.”
Have you ever wanted to recreate the magic of getting an EKG except it electrocutes you? OKAY.
Labia, clitoris, perineum… BORING. Looking for something to make your crotch more like an airline runway? Vajazzle it.
WHAT IS THIS?!
After finding out that I didn’t invent the title “Natural Born Drillers,” I got dejected and decided we needed to drink. So, we headed to a little bar that clearly used to be someone’s crappy house called Boon’s Brew.
Boon’s Brew has the tightest action claw in the city. If you go there, you will win a stuffed animal. The problem is that they are all mutants.
Boon’s serves the strongest drinks in the city. A lot of people think it’s Meanwhile or Mulligan’s over on the East side of town, but those people have never been to Boon’s. The clientele here is a little scary, but mostly, they just want to party as well as dry hump. Two girls are at the jukebox choosing songs while dancing to “Down on Me.” I am dubious of their ability to move each butt cheek independently of the other. A drunk couple is getting frisky and a woman is trying to coax her man into not bugging a young couple comprised of what appears to be a Jena Jameson protege and her confused boyfriend in a John Deere hat. I’m pretty sure the Yosemite Sam climbed off of a truck driver’s mudflaps and settled in for some strong Jack ‘n Cokes. The TouchTunes mobile app is ideal for making it appear that he played “Kiss from a Rose” and Skrillex on the jukebox.
Our new friends were worth every quarter inserted into the action claw. Unfortunately, Hurricane, the pinball machine where you stop the balls from being lost forever in the clown’s genitalia has been broken for years.
After two extremely strong $3 Christian Brothers Honey and gingers (the bartender had never heard of mixing ginger with whiskey), we stumbled back to the hotel.
The banquet hall and conference centers were dark with no signs of swingers. Disappointed, we wandered around the hotel, but it was eerily emptied save a room where muted talking, as well as harsh cigarette smoke, emanated.
Michigan’s recession clearly called for the downsizing of fire extinguishers.
Upon returning to our room, Shawn attempts to explain for nearly ten minutes what each of the animals we won at Boon’s is. When I first say it, I use the word “are.” Do you know how sometimes they give you too many drugs after you get your wisdom teeth out and sometimes you take them when you don’t need them after you’ve been drinking? Oh. Well, then neither do I.
Then Shawn passed out like a baby in his panties.
In the morning, I stretched my weary body and looked outside at our beautiful view of several bags of mulched leaves.
We quickly rinsed off in the shower that doesn’t drain and went back to our little piece of civilization.
All in all, I’d say this hotel was an extreme disappointment. We saw no evidence of violence, no one tried to buy/sell us drugs, there were no sex offender cookouts (unlike TripAdvisor had indicated) and I never felt in peril for even a moment.
I can’t wait to go someplace trashier.
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