I n the town of Petersburg, KY, near Cincinnati, there exists a 70,000-square-foot museum dedicated to the history of the world according to The Bible. All of the world’s mysteries can be explained by “Answers in Genesis.” One $25 admission fee will get you access to the museum and its surrounding botanical gardens and petting zoo for two consecutive days. Bring the kids.

Basically, the Creation Museum makes an attempt to merge the Bible with science and explain how the Bible actually makes sense and is totally believable.

A lot of the early exhibits simply display what is Man’s Word and what is God’s Word.

The thing is: the world was created in seven days, and dinosaurs fit on the ark and frogs are only poisonous because Adam sinned.

In the beginning, there was a lot of nothing. Then God created the entire everything in seven days. As we found out earlier, science is sort of true, it’s just “different perspectives.” Man says one thing and God says another. And God is God, so he’s right. He told everybody in the Bible what to say, duh.

Once the Earth had been created, God populated it with friendly animals and Adam, the first and only man. He had Adam name all the beasts. They were all super-friendly and vegetarians.

And penguins hung out in gardens!

Adam and Eve pretty much had it made, gingerly touching each other’s faces and hanging out naked.

But all good things must come to an end, for no real reason, because if God knows everything than how much he was so surprised when Satan convinced Eve to eat Ecstasy and share it with Adam? I don’t know, but it’s in the Bible and therefore, true.

[It was hard to get a photo of this, but she’s holding tiny pills in her hand, so I have reason to believe they were at a rave, hosted by a snake.]

THEN EVERYTHING CHANGED.

Frogs became poisonous, child birth became sucky, there was disease, they had to farm for food and dinosaurs started eating other dinosaurs.

Also, incest used to not be wrong. SO, THERE.

Well, time went on. Eve had a bunch of babies, they toiled in the sun to make food and Cain smashed his brother’s head with a rock. And they learned how to make boats!

Shawn wanted to plank on this sign sooooo much.

But it turned out that learning to build boats was not going to work in some of the humans’ favor. Eventually, God got straight pissed because everyone was misbehaving. He told Noah to build a giant ark, put two of every animal on it (even dinosaurs) and sail around until God finished drowning the non-believers.

Tigers left behind stalked and ate the naughty people — who were going to drown anyway, so who cares?

The ark was pretty big, apparently, and a lot of the animals were housed in groups. And most dinosaurs are kinda small. And a lot of the animals were young, and that’s how they all fit! And the flood washed the dinosaur bones all over, which proves the Bible is real because you find bones in sediment all the time! Look, just read this, okay?

Finally, it stopped raining and dried up and Noah and his friends had to sacrifice some animals to get God to approve their new society. And He did. And they repopulated the Earth. But all the dinosaurs died because they just couldn’t hang in the new world, or something. This all happened, btw, in the last 6000 years. See?

While the Bible perfectly explains how the world works and how God created everything in seven days and then got pissed a couple of times and fucked shit up, a lot of people — known as scientists — disagree. And this led to a separation from the Bible…

And when people stop listening to God, they have abortions and do gay stuff and shoot up heroin and gossip and break windows and graffiti on everything and buy hookers.

And they kill your grandmother.

Noooooo, don’t do it!

In addition to the indoor museum, they also have a botanical garden and a petting zoo where you can touch animals.

They also have a nice collection of dinos you can pose with and ride! And a dino den with lots of facts about dinosaurs and how they relate to God.

When you really don’t think about it, The Bible really does make a lot of sense after all. And as for those scientists talking about evolution and shit, they weren’t even there, and GOD WAS. SO, TAKE THAT!

 

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3 Responses to “The Creation Museum, or, When Incest was Okay and Dinosaurs were Vegetarians” Subscribe

  1. Greedo August 29, 2012 at 11:04 pm #

    I want to go to there.

  2. Heather A September 11, 2012 at 5:11 am #

    Shooting up heroin, abortions and gay stuff. Hey shit happens.

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  1. Drake Motel -- Nashville, TN - - September 14, 2012

    […] thank Dylan for his time and decide we’re going to drive to Cincinnati and visit the Creation Museum, because, why not? And in order to prepare, it’s only natural we should stop at another […]

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