S ometimes, something terrible happens. Sometimes, the proper authorities find a motel to be so “uninhabitable,” they shut it down. This is what happened to the Wooden Shoe Motel in Holland, Mich. after police shut down a meth lab in one of the rooms, without even considering that this place had a wooden shoe-shaped pool.

I grew up near Holland, so the small city dedicated to being as Dutch as possible never actually seemed that weird to me. However, if you’re not from here, the windmills and wooden shoes spread over the entire town are probably pretty strange.

For lack of something worse, we wound up at a motel next door (we decided to obfuscuate the name because it’s now under new management and they don’t like us talking about how shitty it was). A rather large motel nestled in a strip mall next to a Boston Market, The Wooden Shoe Motel, The Wooden Shoe Restaurant, The Wooden Shoe Tap Room, and the The Wooden Shoe Antique Mall, where you can buy an illustrated encyclopedia of sex from 1950 for $5!

Room 135 smells distinctly of urine, but everything appears to be dry, which is a start. Near the edge of one of the double beds is the sign of a real bummer night for the inhabitants before us. No one got laid and she broke a nail.

The other real bummer is that this switch in between the beds that would have turned on/off the TV for people who are too lazy to use a remote did not work.

Given that the smoke detector was a couple of dangling wires, we decided to hit up Parrot’s downtown, where Bruce Willis from Die Hard, Larry the Cable Guy, Kid Rock, and some-of-the-time Billy Idol would NOT have been allowed.

From there, we went to a bar with the most boring name in the world.

Creed was not there. So, we ended up downtown only to learn that even on the weekends, Holland isn’t particularly happening. No peepshows, strip clubs, furry conventions, industrial bars… we didn’t even find any karaoke. We did, however, wait 45 minutes for Macatawa Taxi only to call Rosebud and have them show up four minutes later.

Back at the motel, we found no adult videos on the TV and therefore, had to sleep.

The hotel had an amazing view of this dubious staircase and that school bus.

… in case you were wondering, back at the Wooden Shoe…

 

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